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sprezzatech blog #0008

Dirty South Supercomputers and Waffles
UNIX, HPC, cyberwarfare, and chasing perf in Atlanta.

after very careful consideration i've decided your support sucks.
Tue Jun 5 13:38:12 EDT 2012

Names have been changed to one, really, but just to name check ol' W-BALLZ and its 'ere-vigilant, all-star crew.

Please type your question, and we will connect you to a live agent.

nick black: I had a refund issued at your *** ************* **** 3030*-**** location (Reference #**********, Register #** Trans #****). The refund has not posted to my account. The transaction took place 2012-05-29. When ought I expect it to post?

Nick, please wait while we find an agent to assist you...

You have been connected to agent W-BALLZ.

%W-BALLZ: Welcome to ******* Live Chat. This is W-BALLZ with Rep ID: *****. I'll be happy to assist you with your concern. Give me moment to check your account.
nick black: take your time mr. Ballz
%W-BALLZ: Thank you. One moment please.
%W-BALLZ: It appears that the number you have provided for this chat session is not showing any records. Can you verify your mobile number please?
nick black: my number is *********, verified off the receipt and my previous two years of billing.
%W-BALLZ: Is this the number you should receive the refund?
nick black: ...
%W-BALLZ: Mr. Black?
nick black: are you suggesting that my NANP address is a debitable account?
%W-BALLZ: We would be issuing a credit, not debiting the account.
nick black: i would hope so. unresolved remains the process by which my phone number becomes counterparty to a financial transaction
nick black: do you mean my ********* account? that's semantically valid but not what i want.
nick black: i want a refund to my credit card, the credit card this receipt suggests was credited last week
nick black: like, i don't want a new credit to anything. i'm happy with the agreed-upon and receipted refund less the disarmingly audacious $50 dick-knotting charge
nick black: excuse me, restocking fee
nick black: i'd just like this evanescent refund to kinda kindly incorporate
nick black: but yes, that is the phone number associated with the account. perhaps i misunderstood you?
%W-BALLZ: Thank you for that information Nick.
nick black: i can send you a scan of the receipt, but i already listed the non-boilerplate details
nick black: it's mainly legal nonsense followed by a credit card number where apparently a phone number was expected?
nick black: it's understandable; they both end in 4 digits
%W-BALLZ: It is okay. Let me check this one for you.
nick black: don't go making charges to my phone number, now
%W-BALLZ: There will be no charges.
nick black: refunds seem likewise dubious
%W-BALLZ: So the refund you should receive is for the device?
nick black: ...
nick black: are you a bot?
%W-BALLZ: I do not understand.
nick black: you *are* a bot. i'm talking to some romanian teenager's turbo pascal program
nick black: whatever. i'll roll with it. to clarify:
nick black: i purchased a cellular device, funding the transaction against your CP ("Card Present") card-processing merchant account with magnetoplasticine tokens of credit.
nick black: having judged the phone and found it wanting, i ordered a new G2 off ebay. Three cheers! i sought and received a refund for the other phone.
nick black: phones are indeed traditionally associated with phone numbers, but that's related to making calls, not funding.
nick black: the refund involved financial clearing houses and not public switched telephony or MSISDN or anything measured in minutes rather than USD
nick black: i had to present a credit card, not my sim card
nick black: if you sent the money to my phone that explains everything except why and how you did that
%W-BALLZ: I am sorry to hear that.
nick black: sorry to hear what?
nick black: i have a lunch date sometime in the year 2060
nick black: if we could move this up to at least a canter, that'd be outstanding
%W-BALLZ: Normally, refund takese 30 days for it to be credited on your acccount.
nick black: only when issued from guatemala or various disputed zones
nick black: or, like, ancient chinese scribes. a month is a gestation period, good sir Ballz, not a transaction. the earth moves 8.3% of the way around the sun in that time. my wife bears me children in that time.
nick black: can you please point me to documentation of this extravagant processing delay, so i have something to reference in 3 weeks should my refund happen to still not be there?
%W-BALLZ: However, same thing that I advise, you need to confirm this to the store that processed the refund as we are seeing any record of the refund.
nick black: i have a paper receipt. it's not hand-written; it's printed. it has information clearly pulled from a database. you have no record? from whence, then, the printout?
nick black: seriously, are you people paying by the electron or what
%W-BALLZ: I am sorry we are not seeing.
nick black: i have a paper receipt. your store gave it to me. today. when i "confirmed this to the store". i had destroyed my previous one.
nick black: then they looked at me and said they had no record of the transaction.
nick black: hopefully next you'll slice the palms of my hands with a large knife
%W-BALLZ: The only way you can check if the refund is posted on your account is to check it with your bank after 3o days.
nick black: in 29 days the world will end
%W-BALLZ: I see.
nick black: augh, i hope this helped your dirty romanian botnet cause
%W-BALLZ: Try to contact our Customer Care at 1-800-DEM-BALLLLLZ as they can further check this for you.
nick black: Sure, let me just dial that number on my credit card and pay for it with my phone
nick black: ...They're already dead! Zorn!
nick black: Ballz, you fiend! I shot the Albatross!
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